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A Satirical Look at a Cold Spring Planning Board Discussion
To the Editor,
At the last Cold Spring Planning Board meeting the epic discussion over the "Lumberyard" development was a lively topic once again. Proposed names included "Ply Woods," "The Slumberyard," "Carpetbagger Court," "Hamlet Hamlet," "Coal Gas Commons," and "Philips Folies." The one point of agreement among the Board members was that in respect of, and perhaps thematically, lumber will be allowed in the construction of the 55 Kayakshaped condominiums. Ron Resenti, Commodore of the Cold Spring Boat Club, raised a heated objection to the design calling for at least half the units to be motorboatshaped while denigrating the specter of large Inuit hunting craft dwellings as "elitist and exclusionary" as well as "out of place on the Cold Spring waterfront." Bob Boaracho, longtime loudmouth and Cold Spring resident proposed keeping the new construction in harmony with the abandoned industrial sites that grace our village riverfront. He suggested that the homes, which will sell for about $850,000 each, retain the chain link fencing, barbed wire, coal gas brownfield, asbestos siding, cadmium-laced fill and various heaps of unexplained trash.
"Have you noticed that there are no rats around here?" explained Boracho. "I've been nailing them with my .357 and nobody has thanked me, and my aim really has improved since I quit drinking 6 days ago." Board chairman Frank Forehead, while expressing gratitude for the donated pest control, urged Boracho to confine his future firearm discharges to a proper firing range. A smoldering Boracho then asked Forehead if he would then be allowed to turn the Parrott Gun on the pier towards the development and fire that weapon. Forehead, ever the diplomat, consoled Boracho with the update that many firing ranges offer in addition to the dark silhouette of a menacing thug pointing a gun back at you such other paper targets as a kayak-sporting Range Rover with a affluent-looking figure brandishing a mocha latte.
As a gated community "Ply Woods," or whatever it will be named, continued Forehead, will be excluding all pedestrians. Cold Spring residents gracefully counterbalance the barriers of the Cold Spring Pier with its fencing and large stone rip-rap that keeps out all amphibious non-Cold Spring residents. As a final note, the State of New York will place a cast iron historical marker next to the site that will read: "On this spot the Stephen Speilburg motion picture, "War of the Worlds" was almost filmed.
Malachy Cleary
Cold Spring
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